I am trapped, I have been trying to break away since 2019 when alot of bad things happened around when my mother passed away, I am extremely unhappy with my work environment. I have feel like I have made a HUGE mistake and I want to quit so badly but if I do I would have to refinance my house again just to survive for a little bit until I can find someway to make the income as I am currently living paycheck to paycheck and thanks to the pandemic I am really strapped on the cash flow.
You ask why is it bothering me that much I should be grateful and suck it up? Well here is an example what I am dealing with, I am doing what I normally do but when it got down to the last moment of doing your job, you are now getting told what to do and micromanaged how they want you to do it treating you like a baby that I don’t even know how to do my job anymore and the abuse continues with their poor choice of words to a point I want to quit and I am sitting there screaming “please fire me already I can’t do this anymore”
I have been applying to get out for the longest time, as you would figure being in the black hat field before would qualify you for a cyber job somewhere right? nope, I didn’t get arrested with the government so there for I am a no one. Yeah I broke into servers, dumped databased, traded databases for stuff, built automated scripts and DDoS Attack drones, no big deal right? sure I hacked an ISP and then worked for them, but I am worth less than a McDonalds employee to them and the same type of verbal harassment in return so what is the point of returning to work for them? I would get more money working in Starbucks as a barista at this point.
I have been trying for jobs I know I would fit in and do extremely well and have that return of invested time in not just for the money but feeling rather useful for my time. But, every time I get to the second interview, it turns out great but I get that follow up email “sorry, try again another time”
Then I look at this side hustle… I get motivated to try and keep trying to push it but when I even spam out flyers and such not even a bite.
What gets me is for an example, I am even a moderator for some communities and they see me struggling and is damn well they should know that I could do everything from hosting graphic and web design for them but I feel they don’t care enough and I get ignored on that area too like a punch in the gut showing they don’t give a shit regardless I spend my time helping them out.
When I brought back WRNet as a community I was motivated because at one point it was a growing community with 1k+ IRC server at one point but now I have barely a handful of people that hang out but 9/10 muted it because what is the point of talking to me? which brings me back to feeling like I am a no one.
I have been feeling down and it has been hitting me and rethinking things with just giving up and currently thinking of what will I just convert and focus into, just be labeled as a new person “X” and register this person X and let these domains expire and not renew them.
I have felt and have been feeling like I’ve made a mistake into keep going as I have wasted 20 years on the RavenPC / WonderingRaven brand alone.
On the good side, I did meet a few friends along the way, but that is all. Support for what I do is ignored on a greater level and I have to think and reinvent myself as I am now 41 and I really got nothing.
I am still trying to figure this out, meaning if I see some type of light at the end of the tunnel then I’ll continue but Just like any bad business investments, you have to let it go.