The Burnout analyzed…
I have been trying to really place down my timeline of how I feel so burned out in life and not being successful the goals I set and keep on trying I may not be a boxer, but if that is how winning is done, I have yet to win. as the quote goes “That is how winning is done, it’s not how hard you hit it is how hard you can take the hits” I’ve been taking so many hits and I fought back, tooth and nail and winning isn’t there. Revenge is tho!
I am not an NPC (Non-player Character), I lived long enough to be an anti-hero main person vibe and one part of my story I was born a villain.
My tech burn out all started in the whole lasvegas.net, lv.net now known as ISP.net. The years of verbal, mental, and even physical abuse and harassment, Including when I was fighting for my life with cancer, I had one of the partners who instead of having compassion played tricks and pranks while I lay dying, literally as I was getting blood transfusions as the doctors are telling me I had 6 months to live. For years I was promised the CISO role as a partner in the company, and I didn’t make money, for years the owner would belittle me, insult me, harass me and used my own family against me used their flaws to hold control over me and forced me to work under the table and instead the owner has stolen over 50k from me and ruined my credit.
When I left for the first time I had a “contract to hire job” ,this was 2007 and the decline of the economy so many businesses were starting to go out of business. By 2008 I ended up with another managed services provider. I was also being verbally abused by a significant other, loss of a job in 2009 and my own family seemed to be against me until I finalized the divorce. all these events piled on me and in 2009 I almost took my own life.
I moved to Oregon as a trauma response and on the insurance that the business partner would be true to his word but turns out after I moved I walked into another verbal abusive business partner and a business partner who was defrauding people and instead of targeting my actual goals of being a business ideas and my direction (cyber security) I was treated as a cash cow to his fraud system. My escape was endless weekends and nights in the mountain passes, driftx events hosted by TougeNW. I kept my ground and kept on challenging his defrauding and when will I get my say and share of the company and I can stop living off my unemployment checks. Instead it ended up with him threatening my life and now my career is on the line to his lies and fraud and held me against my will. When I had no other choice but to flee back to Las Vegas, a place I didn’t ever want to return.
I came back, already beaten up mentally from all the abuse and still trying to even process my cancer battle still that I’ve beaten physically just mentally I never had a chance to process. As I was being stalked and harassed by Marty from lvnet/ispnet since the day I left in 2007, I caved in and returned to work for him maybe? I’ll get that partnership promised.
Mentally I built a wall to turn off all the previous abuse to keep this professional, in which I learned that I will never get what I want with him, no matter how much I try. and that was emotionally draining
I also caved in and started to work for a casino, just to make money and I used drifting and car mechnics to break free from the burnout feeling, and just clock in, do work, and clock out and I couldn’t do that. I felt too much like I wanted to be more than that so I fought hard to move up the casino ladder but from 2013-2023 it all ended the moment I started to get to the area I want to grow from, but I was challenged by people who was unfit for their job and I became a disregarded as an employee and in the end targeted and it came to an end.
It’s been hard to focus on anything tech and cyber security regardless of how much skill I’ve learned over the years as I feel it is nothing more than another failed journey for me and I’m nothing more than replaceable in the end as if I was just some NPC.
I used to love embracing technology, love to see how I can also compromise it, I used to love learning new skills and languages and other OS levels, I used to love digging into other hardware and security solutions. Like a script kiddy and their flipperzero on Christmas, or the next age of graphics cards. I see this kind of technology love and trying my best to at least teach him but it’s also coming at a price of my mental health on the past traumas
One thing I know would help is if I had some type of success back into the cyber security world because at this point I am done applying for jobs and if I lost this one I’d rather just pitch a tent and die in the heat cursed to this a city I wanted to leave.
After 30 years, I am so tired.